im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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