I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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