It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
