apparently the secret to your success is patron
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
So many bounce houses so little time
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
