dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
