i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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