Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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