well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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