I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
