I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
