Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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