Can i not drive my cunt home
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
