Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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