Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
