you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
