YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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