i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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