if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
