You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
