You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
