i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
