This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
