Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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