Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just forgot I was standing up.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
