I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
