I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
