All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
