I just made out with a guy for $7.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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