You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
