She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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