I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
