did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
