dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
