I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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