Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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