5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
