she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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