He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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