you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
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You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
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Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME