I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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