you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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