i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Shame is for Republicans.
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