I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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