i already hear my dad disowning me
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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