Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
