why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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