you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Also, beer. Big fan.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
