I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
