I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
