I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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