And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
