I puked a lego.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
