I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
