The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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