I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
