don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
