Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
