My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
