I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
