There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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